Karma, Heartbreak, & Growth. 

Recently, I’ve went through yet another heartbreak. I go through these a lot as you can tell by my blog. However, this one was much different than the others.

I felt the pain more deeply, and this time I felt like I lost a best friend in someone I grew to really love and care about. Although it’s hard letting go, lately it’s been easier as I find myself being more reliant on God and giving him all of my worries.

In the beginning, my emotions were all over the place and I didn’t know how I should really feel about it. I was pissed, hurt, & confused. There were a few nights I ugly cried myself to sleep. I went on a tangent on my social media. TBH, I was acting like a crazy woman (I’m not afraid to admit it). Now that it’s been a few weeks and my emotions aren’t as scattered and I’ve had time to really think, process, & overanalyze like I do, I feel as though God has revealed some things to me.

  1. Karma always comes when you least expect it & in the worst way. (While me & him were together, I did feel deprived of attention & communication at times. Although I would talk to him about it, I didn’t feel as though much effort was being put in to ensure I ALWAYS felt loved. Instead of leaving the relationship [I wanted it to work so badly for once] , I sought the attention somewhere else. Nothing sexual happened & I didn’t want anything sexual to happen, but I felt horrible about it. I took him for granted at one point & I feel like part of our relationship suffered because of it which led to other events.)
  2. Put no man before God. (After the retreat, I took my vow to God to remain celibate until I was given a husband. Well, I broke that with him & then BOOM we were over in a matter of days. Someone did pray about the situation for me & the next night, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I feel like God was showing me that I couldn’t put my all into someone else over him because they will not always be there like HE WILL & me & this guy are not right for each other)
  3. I wasn’t completely ready for a long term relationship. (I really wanted a long term relationship because I’m TIRED of putting in effort for temporary things. However, I allow my emotions to cloud my judgement sometimes. When I’m hurt, I lash out in anger and say some very mean things. I will shut down a whole discussion if I don’t feel like someone is understanding me or I start to become too vulnerable)
  4. I have ALOT of baggage. (I hold onto things, especially things that hurt me and it can cause a lot of relationships to suffer)

I have so much more I would like to say but this post would last forever LOL. I will take all of this and grow more as a woman. I’m really looking forward to my baptism. I feel like that will be my moment to wash all of the past away and move into the next chapter of my life with a clean slate. I’m in no way wanting to bash my ex or paint him in a bad light. I still care about him and I know he is a good person. He’s just not the guy for me.

Peace & Positivity,

Chazmyane

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