Karma, Heartbreak, & Growth.

Recently, I’ve went through yet another heartbreak. I go through these a lot as you can tell by my blog. However, this one was much different than the others.

I felt the pain more deeply, and this time I felt like I lost a best friend in someone I grew to really love and care about. Although it’s hard letting go, lately it’s been easier as I find myself being more reliant on God and giving him all of my worries.

In the beginning, my emotions were all over the place and I didn’t know how I should really feel about it. I was pissed, hurt, & confused. There were a few nights I ugly cried myself to sleep. I went on a tangent on my social media. TBH, I was acting like a crazy woman (I’m not afraid to admit it). Now that it’s been a few weeks and my emotions aren’t as scattered and I’ve had time to really think, process, & overanalyze like I do, I feel as though God has revealed some things to me.

1. Karma always comes when you least expect it & in the worst way. (While me & him were together, I did feel deprived of attention & communication at times. Although I would talk to him about it, I didn’t feel as though much effort was being put in to ensure I ALWAYS felt loved. Instead of leaving the relationship [I wanted it to work so badly for once] , I sought the attention somewhere else. Nothing sexual happened & I didn’t want anything sexual to happen, but I felt horrible about it. I took him for granted at one point & I feel like part of our relationship suffered because of it which led to other events.)
2. Put no man before God. (After the retreat, I took my vow to God to remain celibate until I was given a husband. Well, I broke that with him & then BOOM we were over in a matter of days. Someone did pray about the situation for me & the next night, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I feel like God was showing me that I couldn’t put my all into someone else over him because they will not always be there like HE WILL & me & this guy are not right for each other)
3. I wasn’t completely ready for a long term relationship. (I really wanted a long term relationship because I’m TIRED of putting in effort for temporary things. However, I allow my emotions to cloud my judgement sometimes. When I’m hurt, I lash out in anger and say some very mean things. I will shut down a whole discussion if I don’t feel like someone is understanding me or I start to become too vulnerable)
4. I have ALOT of baggage. (I hold onto things, especially things that hurt me and it can cause a lot of relationships to suffer)

I have so much more I would like to say but this post would last forever LOL. I will take all of this and grow more as a woman. I’m really looking forward to my baptism. I feel like that will be my moment to wash all of the past away and move into the next chapter of my life with a clean slate. I’m in no way wanting to bash my ex or paint him in a bad light. I still care about him and I know he is a good person. He’s just not the guy for me.

Peace & Positivity,

Chazmyane

Open Letter

Chazmyane,

You are beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God. You’re intelligent. You’re beautiful. You’re loving. You’re caring. You may feel like you want to give up hope on certain things, but don’t. God has so much more in store for you and it will be greater than what you had before and then some.

You attract people to you with your energy. When people see you, they see light. Sometimes your light shines so bright that others will come into to your life to try to dim it. Some people will exploit you and how amazing you are, but it’s okay. Continue to be you. Don’t let anyone change you no matter what they think, say, and do. Yeah, people will hurt you. Love them anyway. Show them that no matter what, you can’t be broken because you’re a strong woman whose already conquered everything else put in front of her.

But above all else, keep God first. Seek God when you feel lonely. Seek him when you feel sad. Seek him even when you’re happy. Make him your greatest friend  & confidante.

You are truly loved. I love you. God loves you.

Chazmyane

Promise.

Dear Father,

I promise to love & cherish myself as You love and cherish me. I promise to not allow the opinion of man corrupt my view on who and whose I am. I promise to live according to Your word, and always revert to You in my times of difficulty, strife, happiness, & success. I promise to not allow any man to interfere with what You have planned for me. I promise to live my life in purpose in what You  have called me to do. I promise to love like  You love. I promise with my whole heart. 

Chazmyane

Renew.

2017 has brought about a lot of changes within me; I owe all of it to God. Recently, I went on a Spring Break retreat with the college ministry at my church and it was one of the greatest experience of my life I can remember. On this retreat, we not only discussed ourselves and our relationship with God but relationships overall. Over the course of the weekend, I allowed myself to really open up about some things that have really affected me and I never really spoke about to complete strangers (before this trip, I did not know anyone). 

First, I spoke about my best friend Sonya who has really positively helped me when I was in a very dark place. During high school, I battled with my self esteem constantly as you all probably already know. However, it was much deeper than most know. I’ve contemplated suicide before, thinking to myself who would really care if I wasn’t here. I restricted myself from eating sometimes by working for hours until I felt like I deserved to. I’ve even considered taking laxatives just so I know I wouldn’t gain weight. My confidence and self image were almost destroyed but I conveyed a strong spirit to the world. I couldn’t let anyone see the pain and hurt I was going through. Sonya was one of the few people I trusted and she helped me see my worth. 

Secondly, I discussed my sexual history with my roommates on the trip. I lost my virginity when I was a freshmen in high school. Looking back on it now, I felt so foolish as to why I did it in the first place because it wasn’t worth it (he cheated on me…how surprising is that huh?)  After that, I didn’t have sex with anyone else until after high school. The first guy after high school is what broke the camel’s back. At this point, I was still lacking in self confidence but I was 1000x better than I had been. Skipping unimportant details, we had sex and three days later he tells me he just wants to be friends. Not only does he tell me that, but he goes off and dates my friend. To say I was devastated would be an understatement, but I brushed and played it off as if it didn’t affect me. From there, I have had several sexual encounters, with the hopes of each one helping me forget the previous heartbreak. Now I wasn’t going around just having sex with every guy I saw or that showed me attention, I did see potential for more with them. However, some didn’t have the same intentions I did. 

I feel bad about it to be honest but I can’t dwell in the past or focus on the mistakes I’ve made. I can only make myself better and make smarter choices. On this trip, I vowed that I would dedicate my life to God and live the way I should. I’ve taken a vow of celibacy to honor myself as a woman. No man is worth any part of me if he is not willing to completely commit to me (everything my Mom and Dad told me and tried to show me finally makes sense). I’m planning to get baptized soon as well. I want to show everybody Who and What I’m living for now. I’ve even felt lighter like all my burdens were removed and less stressed since this trip. All of my faith lies with God. 

I would like to just remind every young girl and young boy that you are worth it because you are a child of God, beautifully and uniquely made. You are not your sin and you are not your mistakes. You CAN start over and live better to not only praise God but yourself as well. The enemy will try to attack you but the Lord is your salvation. I pray prosperity, love, hope, and strength over all of your lives. 

I am made whole. I am now renewed.

Peace and Love,
Chazmyane. 

Change.

On Monday, I did a photoshoot with one of my best friends. I was really shy and nervous about it because I wasn’t too sure how they would look or even if I would like them at all. I was feeling insecure, to be honest. I know I posted FOREVER ago that I was starting to feel confident in my body and I was but now things have changed.

I’ve gained weight; my body doesn’t look the same as it once did. It really bums me out,  and I find myself not enjoying certain moments as much because I’m constantly thinking about what I look like to others. Some times I find myself questioning my own boyfriend’s feelings for me. It’s really absurd when I actually think about it but I find myself doing it anyway.

But today, I’ve decided to change that. I can’t keep allowing myself to fear what people think.

“Eff what other people think”

The only opinion that matters is my own. So instead of wallowing over my lack of self confidence, I’m going to do something about it. Tomorrow, will be my first day back working out. I’m excited because I used to feel so good and looked even better when I worked out. I know another reason I’ve been feeling so crappy is because of the fast food I’ve been eating. To be honest I don’t even really like fast food,  I just eat it because I’m usually in a rush and don’t have much time to cook. But that is yet another thing that will be changing.

Now back to these photos….

I was looking too good you guys. It was a real boost to be myself for a bit and let loose.

This is my favorite, giving all the throwback 90’s music video vibes.

If you have any recommendations for workouts/quick meals, comment below!
Peace & Positivity,
Chazmyane Alexia

Muse.

Model: Victoria Sockwell

Photography: Chazmyane Alexia

Modern Renaissance

I’m pretty sure most of you know or has heard about the Anastasia Beverly Hills Modern Renainssance palette as it has circulated the web a lot recently. This palette is damn gorgeous y’all & would make some beautiful eye makeup looks for the upcoming Autumn/Winter season.

‘Love Letter’ , ‘Primavera’, & ‘Antique Bronze’ are my favorite

I saw this palette a while ago & fell completely in love! However, I was kind of skeptical of buying it bc 1. My funds were not up to standard & I didn’t feel like it would be right to splurge on makeup, 2. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to create flattering looks as I’m a bit of a makeup newbie as far as eyeshadow is concerned; trust me, I’ve created some scary looks in the past.

So I was just completely over it & decided not to buy it. Somehow, the other day I convinced myself to go ahead take the plunge & I’m soooo happy that I did! The shadows are very nice & soft & pretty decently pigmented (I swatched them without a primer). Keep in mind, I am a WOC so some of the lighter shadows will not show up as much on me w/o a primer than someone who has a lighter complexion. Overall, I really love this palette & recommend it if you haven’t already purchased it.

First look created;

 I will have a tutorial on my channel of the this look soon! So don’t forget to subscribe! 
Peace & Positivity,
Chazmyane

It’s Been A Long Time Coming

Hey! I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted on here & I’m pretty sure I promised to get back into blogging & I didn’t keep it. Life has had a lot of twists and turns for me this year & I do plan on sharing a bit more with you all as soon as I possibly can. One thing I do want to mention is that I have a YouTube channel! I’m really happy with how everything is coming along so far. I’m getting better at editing with each video and it’s allowing me to learn more about myself & what I like. I hope you do check it out here & let me know what you think! I’m excited to start sharing my thoughts on here again! 
Peace & Positivity,

Chazmyane

Hopeful Romantic.

It seems that I always find myself being stuck in a situation with a person. It’s not that I don’t know how to let go because trust me, I do but I just find myself holding on to a situation longer than I should. I’m a very optimistic person, or at least I try to be for the most part, and I always think that somehow someway, the situation will come to be in my favor & I will be in my happily ever after. To be honest, I really need to get my head out of the clouds and bring myself back to reality. It’s not that I shouldn’t be hopeful but I need to be able to decipher when to keep trying and when to move on. Only then will I be able to prevent uneccessary unhappiness in the future.

However, on a more positive note, I have exciting & new things happening in my life at the moment. I’ll do a post about that sometime this week (if I don’t get to it today). I know I’ve been away for awhile now but I just needed time to grow & regain clarity on my life. I’m more focused & align now so I’m going to try to post as much as I possibly can. I hope you check back in!
Peace & Positivity,

Chazmyane

Update: Life’s A Battlefield

I’ve been completely absent from my blog for a few months now & I’ve completely missed the therapy of it all. Lately, I’ve been battling a lot of things within myself such as self doubt, doused with some depression & laziness. Right now, I’m not in one of the best places mentally or emotionally; it has been a long roller coaster ride to say the least. That’s truly allowed me to lose motivation for a lot of things that I have going on in life right now. However, I am determined to push through this & get going on & back focused on myself & the things that I love the most. From this whole experience I have learned a lot about myself. I’ve noticed that my thought process on certain situations is terribly flawed; I definitely think or expect the worst rather than the best from people which has definitely allowed that to come into fruition. So I need to really rearrange my thought pattern to a more positive direction. Positivity breeds more positivity, remember that. 

To be completely honest, I need a change in my environment, mentally & physically, & to grow closer in my relationship with God. Whenever I read scripture, meditate, or just simply pray it truly helps & uplift me. Being consistent with my faith is what is going to get me out of this slump I’m currently in. Now, I don’t care what religion you believe or don’t believe in but I think everyone should have something/someone to look to for spirituality. It helps to keep everything else balanced. 

I really don’t know what else to say so I’ll just abruptly end it here. I hope you guys are having a wonderful day. Oh yeah, today is my last day of work before I have like an entire week off! I’m so excited to say the least, it is very much needed.
Peace & Positivity,

Chazmyane