Karma, Heartbreak, & Growth. 

Recently, I’ve went through yet another heartbreak. I go through these a lot as you can tell by my blog. However, this one was much different than the others.

I felt the pain more deeply, and this time I felt like I lost a best friend in someone I grew to really love and care about. Although it’s hard letting go, lately it’s been easier as I find myself being more reliant on God and giving him all of my worries.

In the beginning, my emotions were all over the place and I didn’t know how I should really feel about it. I was pissed, hurt, & confused. There were a few nights I ugly cried myself to sleep. I went on a tangent on my social media. TBH, I was acting like a crazy woman (I’m not afraid to admit it). Now that it’s been a few weeks and my emotions aren’t as scattered and I’ve had time to really think, process, & overanalyze like I do, I feel as though God has revealed some things to me.

  1. Karma always comes when you least expect it & in the worst way. (While me & him were together, I did feel deprived of attention & communication at times. Although I would talk to him about it, I didn’t feel as though much effort was being put in to ensure I ALWAYS felt loved. Instead of leaving the relationship [I wanted it to work so badly for once] , I sought the attention somewhere else. Nothing sexual happened & I didn’t want anything sexual to happen, but I felt horrible about it. I took him for granted at one point & I feel like part of our relationship suffered because of it which led to other events.)
  2. Put no man before God. (After the retreat, I took my vow to God to remain celibate until I was given a husband. Well, I broke that with him & then BOOM we were over in a matter of days. Someone did pray about the situation for me & the next night, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I feel like God was showing me that I couldn’t put my all into someone else over him because they will not always be there like HE WILL & me & this guy are not right for each other)
  3. I wasn’t completely ready for a long term relationship. (I really wanted a long term relationship because I’m TIRED of putting in effort for temporary things. However, I allow my emotions to cloud my judgement sometimes. When I’m hurt, I lash out in anger and say some very mean things. I will shut down a whole discussion if I don’t feel like someone is understanding me or I start to become too vulnerable)
  4. I have ALOT of baggage. (I hold onto things, especially things that hurt me and it can cause a lot of relationships to suffer)

I have so much more I would like to say but this post would last forever LOL. I will take all of this and grow more as a woman. I’m really looking forward to my baptism. I feel like that will be my moment to wash all of the past away and move into the next chapter of my life with a clean slate. I’m in no way wanting to bash my ex or paint him in a bad light. I still care about him and I know he is a good person. He’s just not the guy for me.

Peace & Positivity,

Chazmyane

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Open Letter

Chazmyane, 

You are beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God. You’re intelligent. You’re beautiful. You’re loving. You’re caring. You may feel like you want to give up hope on certain things, but don’t. God has so much more in store for you and it will be greater than what you had before and then some. 

You attract people to you with your energy. When people see you, they see light. Sometimes your light shines so bright that others will come into to your life to try to dim it. Some people will exploit you and how amazing you are, but it’s okay. Continue to be you. Don’t let anyone change you no matter what they think, say, and do. Yeah, people will hurt you. Love them anyway. Show them that no matter what, you can’t be broken because you’re a strong woman whose already conquered everything else put in front of her. 

But above all else, keep God first. Seek God when you feel lonely. Seek him when you feel sad. Seek him even when you’re happy. Make him your greatest friend  & confidante. 

You are truly loved. I love you. God loves you. 

Chazmyane