Renew.

2017 has brought about a lot of changes within me; I owe all of it to God. Recently, I went on a Spring Break retreat with the college ministry at my church and it was one of the greatest experience of my life I can remember. On this retreat, we not only discussed ourselves and our relationship with God but relationships overall. Over the course of the weekend, I allowed myself to really open up about some things that have really affected me and I never really spoke about to complete strangers (before this trip, I did not know anyone). 

First, I spoke about my best friend Sonya who has really positively helped me when I was in a very dark place. During high school, I battled with my self esteem constantly as you all probably already know. However, it was much deeper than most know. I’ve contemplated suicide before, thinking to myself who would really care if I wasn’t here. I restricted myself from eating sometimes by working for hours until I felt like I deserved to. I’ve even considered taking laxatives just so I know I wouldn’t gain weight. My confidence and self image were almost destroyed but I conveyed a strong spirit to the world. I couldn’t let anyone see the pain and hurt I was going through. Sonya was one of the few people I trusted and she helped me see my worth. 

Secondly, I discussed my sexual history with my roommates on the trip. I lost my virginity when I was a freshmen in high school. Looking back on it now, I felt so foolish as to why I did it in the first place because it wasn’t worth it (he cheated on me…how surprising is that huh?)  After that, I didn’t have sex with anyone else until after high school. The first guy after high school is what broke the camel’s back. At this point, I was still lacking in self confidence but I was 1000x better than I had been. Skipping unimportant details, we had sex and three days later he tells me he just wants to be friends. Not only does he tell me that, but he goes off and dates my friend. To say I was devastated would be an understatement, but I brushed and played it off as if it didn’t affect me. From there, I have had several sexual encounters, with the hopes of each one helping me forget the previous heartbreak. Now I wasn’t going around just having sex with every guy I saw or that showed me attention, I did see potential for more with them. However, some didn’t have the same intentions I did. 

I feel bad about it to be honest but I can’t dwell in the past or focus on the mistakes I’ve made. I can only make myself better and make smarter choices. On this trip, I vowed that I would dedicate my life to God and live the way I should. I’ve taken a vow of celibacy to honor myself as a woman. No man is worth any part of me if he is not willing to completely commit to me (everything my Mom and Dad told me and tried to show me finally makes sense). I’m planning to get baptized soon as well. I want to show everybody Who and What I’m living for now. I’ve even felt lighter like all my burdens were removed and less stressed since this trip. All of my faith lies with God. 

I would like to just remind every young girl and young boy that you are worth it because you are a child of God, beautifully and uniquely made. You are not your sin and you are not your mistakes. You CAN start over and live better to not only praise God but yourself as well. The enemy will try to attack you but the Lord is your salvation. I pray prosperity, love, hope, and strength over all of your lives. 

I am made whole. I am now renewed.

Peace and Love,
Chazmyane. 

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4 thoughts on “Renew.

  1. Such a beautiful testimony . I am so glad that you decided to rededicate your body to Christ. I pray that your decision brings you the peace you need . As someone who is abstaining until marriage ( virgin) I think it’s wonderful . We are not our past or our mistakes and I know God has so much more destined for you . I am totally rooting for you . ❤️

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